It is not our abilities that show what we truly are; it is our choices.

The Wilderness

2008-04-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

And you shall remember that the LORD your GOD led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.

Deuteronomy 8:2

Pray for Spendy Spend

2008-03-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

Here are two pictures of Spendy with Megan. She told us that she prayed for Spendy and us each time she held him.

We just got word from Gretchen that Jean Nathan sees Spendy's mother all the time. Recently when asked how Spendy was she said he was not feeling well. Please pray for Spendy as we do not know what is going on other than that. We are thankful that though we feel helpless, God sees and there is never a moment when Spendy is not in His eye. We thank you ahead for your prayers on this sweet boy's behalf. Oh, how we long to hold him and help him.

2008-03-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

Thus says the LORD: "Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD.

Since my last blog Spendy has indeed gone to be with his mother. God continues to give us peace as we remember who He is and that all is in His hands. We believe that God is writing this story and though we do not see the end He does. We know the holder of the pen is trustworthy.

The Holy Spirit continues to minister to us and encourage us to trust God and to endure. Downloading and listening to sermons, continuing to daily read the Bible and pray, along with reading books by Godly men have all been means He has used to speak His truth to us, to remind us of what is real. One of the books I have mentioned several times is called Trusting God (written by Jerry Bridges). If you don't own it, you should! Another book that has blessed me much over the last year is called The Attributes of God; it is by Arthur W. Pink. Pink's book was first brought to my attention at the Faith Biblical Counseling Conference in Indiana in a lecture by Stuart Scott on the goodness of God. He said that when he is counseling someone, he always gives counselees homework from this book. He assigns a chapter a week, telling the counselees to note and write down what they learn about God and how it applies to their current situation. Scott's point in giving the homework is that no matter what the reason is that compelled the person to come to counseling, his or her greatest need is to know God more. In knowing Him they will be encouraged and begin to see themselves and their problems in the light of His reality. Scott is right! As I have read and re-read Pink's book, doing what Scott suggests, I have been given encouragement, as well as hope.

Here are some quotes from the preface to The Attributes of God:

"A spiritual and saving knowledge of God is the greatest need of every human creature."

"The foundation of all true knowledge of God must be a clear mental apprehension of His perfections as revealed in Holy Scripture. An unknown God can neither be trusted, served, nor worshipped. "

"Something more than a theoretical knowledge of God is needed by us. God is only truly known in the soul as we yield ourselves to Him, submit to His authority, and regulate all the details of our lives by His holy precepts and commandments."

How thankful I am for who God is and what it means for us in the midst of all the circumstances of life. He has been our constant Rock, our Strong Tower, our Refuge, our Strength, our Encourager, our Hope, our Point of Reference. He is who has kept us from feeling panicked. We are waiting and watching with anticipation to see what God is doing with Spendy and us. We certainly know that through Spendy God has given us a deep concern for His orphans that we did not have before. He has made it very, very personal.

"What is crooked cannot be made straight."

2008-02-26T16:37:00.000-08:00

We received news yesterday that Spendy's mom still wants him back. By this writing, he is probably with his mother. A cloud descended on the house last night after I heard the news. I lost my appetite, and, instead of a family dinner at the table, sat holding Shanley as we cried. Through all the tears I was aware that God has heard every prayer we've prayed. He has indeed answered, yet He has answered differently than we would have chosen. Why I do not know, for unlike Him I do not see the end from the beginning. I am not about what is best in the big scheme of things. I am not as I should be, first and foremost about His glory. I want to be, but in reality I am not.

I relate a lot to the Israelites. Last week as I thought about the situation with Spendy, I pondered on the fact that when Moses went to the Israelites and told them that God had heard their cries for deliverance and was going to take them out of the land of Egypt, they must have been so happy. What good news this must have been to them. They must have been shocked when the first of the plagues started! To my way of thinking if God says He is going to deliver me, I think OK...today, let's go, magic wand, yet that wasn't at all how God did it. He did it in a way that unmistakably showed His hand both to the Israelites and the Egyptions. He displayed His glory against the dark back drop of the plagues and then the impossible situations He put forth. He made sure the Israelites knew He was the One who had delivered them. Perhaps God is doing something similar with Spendy and will deliver him into our family, then again perhaps not. I do not know; I dare not expect that He is doing such a thing, yet I know He certainly could. I have never been so aware of His sovereignty, His absolute control. He has been in all of this, even the twisted, crookedness of it. Ecclesiastes 1:15 says, "What is crooked cannot be made straight."

The crookedness of it all has been, and continues to be, a purifer, revealing the truth of who I am and who God is. Jerry Bridge's book Trusting God has again ministered to me this week. Bridges speaks about how probably "the most valuable way we profit from adversity is in the deepening of our relationship with God. Through adversity we learn to bow before His sovereignty, to trust His wisdom, and to experience the consolations of His love, until we come to the place where we can say with Job, 'My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you' (Job 42:5)"(pg.190). I have found myself in this place, bowing before His sovereignty, trusting His wisdom, and experiencing His consolations. I would never have sought out this trial as a way to lead me closer to God, yet it has been clear through it that God has sought me out.

Waiting

2008-02-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

We continue to wait. This week Gretchen will be down at the orphanage and another meeting is slated to happen with Spendy's mom. She must be 100% on board with the adoption or she will be asked to take Spendy. If she takes him, Ted and I feel it is very likely that he will end up back at the orphanage again. Our prayer is that Spendy will not have to leave the O. That said, it all rests in the hands of God who sees the end from the beginning.

Pictures from Spendy's Birthday at the O

2008-02-11T11:48:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of Spendy opening his presents. We sent a Thomas the Tank Engine back pack down, filled with Birthday goodies, with Shanley and Cameron in January. Sandy (the house mother) kept it tucked away until Spendy's special day. The back pack had a basketball, sunglasses, animal cookies, and a little train in it. The last picture is of Spendy "talking" to us yesterday on SKYPE...isn't the internet amazing!

BON FET SPENDY!

2008-02-10T16:54:00.000-08:00

Spendy turned 3 yesterday, February 9th. We were able to talk to him via SKYPE today. He did not say much, but he could see us thanks to the webcam. We showed him Scout (our dog), snow, different rooms in the house, our car (big deal to the kids there), introduced him to Ryan (Alec was at his friend's house), and sang him Happy Birthday. We are thankful that three years ago Spendy was brought into this world and that God knew then that he would intertwine Spendy's life with ours.

"For You formed my inward
parts;
You wove me in my mother's
womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I
am fearfully and wonderfully
made;
Wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from
You,
When I was made in secret,
skillfully wrought in the
depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my
unformed substance;
And in Your book were all
written
The days that were ordained for
me,
When as yet there was not one of
them."
Psalm 139:13-16

We are still daily praying for Spendy, and asking for God's intervention, His mercy. We thank God that so far Spendy is still at the orphanage. His mother has not returned. We are thankful to know we pray to a God who will accomplish His purposes...if Spendy is meant to be a Knox, he will be.

Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

2008-01-22T06:07:00.000-08:00

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.
Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence,
if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-
practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
Philippians 4:4-9

This passage came to mind in the middle of the night last night as I tossed and turned, worrying about Spendy. I was confessing to God my fears for Spendy and feeling the weight, yet again, of my utter helplessness in this situation, and into my mind came, "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING." Spendy definitely falls under "anything". The next thought was: Instead pray....asking, thanking, putting my requests before God. So I fell asleep thanking God for the good He has shown Spendy and reminding myself that God is the one who brought Spendy to the orphanage, made sure he was fed, made sure his wounds were cared for, gave him a bed. Who knows how many arms have held and comforted Spendy as they were moved by the Lord? He caused Shanley to notice Spendy, He moved our hearts to pray and to want to bring him into our family. All of this was His doing. I fell asleep rehearsing God's goodness to Spendy instead of rehearsing my fears. This morning I again put it all in God's hands, not that it hasn't been there all along. I yielded, acknowledging His power to do whatever concerned Spendy, recognizing Spendy is His concern and He can use who He will to do His work in Spendy's life. He doesn't need me. I do not know what is best. I have daily, nightly been making my requests known to God, but last night and this morning I have been thanking Him and fixing my mind on what is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. We often stop there, not thinking of the rest of the paragraph in Phillipians 4, but it is key. Paul tells the Phillipians that peace comes as they practice what they have learned, received, heard, and seen. He says, "Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you" (Phil. 4:9).

So, I am left with plenty of instruction....I need to rejoice, reminding myself of the big picture of who God is and what He has done. ("...How rich is my condition! God and heav'n are still mine own." -Henry F. Lyte) (Phil. 4:4). I am to be reasonable, gentle, still...why? Because "the Lord is at hand" (Phil. 4:5). He hasn't left. He is in the middle of it all with me. I need to pray, but not just any old way. I am to pray thanking God for what He has done and what He is doing. I am not to be anxious but instead to make my requests known before Him. He wants to hear from me (Phil. 4:6). I am to roll over and over in my mind what is good, not rehearse all my fears (Phil. 4:8). And, finally I am to do what I have been taught, following the examples from Scripture and from brothers and sisters that He has used to be a picture of how to walk. In the doing of all of the above comes peace(Phil. 4:9).

"My Purpose will be established"

2008-01-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

We received this email from our friend, Julie Olender, earlier this week:

Tina and Ted-
We continue to be updated by your blog – and we continue to pray God’s will for Spendy,
and peace to your family through His written Word.

You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You. (Isaiah 26:3)

These are a few of the passages that encouraged me as we waited those three years to find out if our Jay would stay.
We all kept reminding ourselves that we only wanted God’s will, and if His perfect will meant returning Jay to his birth mother,
then we had to be ready to let go and accept God’s “perfect” plan for him (and our family). Easy to say, painful to live out.

“. . .For I am God and there is no other;
I am God and there is no one like Me.
Declaring the end from the beginning,
And from ancient times things which have not been done,
Saying, ‘My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all My good pleasure’;” (Isaiah 46:9,10)

How marvelous it is that we serve a God that provides us truth to meditate on as a vehicle for peace to our hearts through uncertainty.
It is truly well with our souls when we can face adversity with the attitude James had as he penned those insightful words, “count it all
joy when you fall into various trials. . .” Praise God that “no plan of His can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2)

God’s love and blessings to your family. Standing with you in prayer.
Because He lives - jules

Today I pulled up Julie's email and read it again. I needed to read it again, needed to be reminded to keep my mind stayed on God, needed to remember that God is God and there is no other like Him. His purposes in our life, in Spendy's, in Spendy's mother's life will not be thwarted. He will accomplish all His good pleasure.

I needed the reminder because last night we received hard news. Spendy's mom is again not wanting to sign. So here we are waiting....things could go in several different directions at this point...too many for me to speculate on.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Pictures of your kids!

2008-01-14T12:47:00.000-08:00

Cam, Ellen and I took the trek down to Haiti last week. It was Cameron's first time meeting Spendy, and Ellen's first time out of the country. It was my first time playing full time mama since we decided to adopt Spendy. We had quite the week. Spend and I both met our matches, and I think we somehow deserved each other, although I felt a little undeserving of the 2:00am walk we took back to the orphanage two nights in a row because he wouldn't stop screaming unless I stood with him.
All that said, I took hundreds of pictures this week, and I want to send them to all of you momma blancs! If you could please comment on this post with your email and your kid's name, or send it to my email: where.the.sidewalk.ended@gmail.com I would love to send you any photos I have of your children!
-Shanley

She Says She's Signing

2008-01-13T13:14:00.000-08:00

On Friday Spendy's mom showed up at the orphanage, standing in the court yard, agitated, wanting to leave pretty much as soon as she got there. Jean Nathan, who was supposed to meet with her, was not there. So, Shanley, Cameron, and Don met with her. They met for around 40 minutes. It was hard for Cameron and Shanley...hard to see Lizette's self-focus. When asked what her hopes for Spendy were, she said that he would love her, remember her.

She hesitates to sign the paperwork for these reasons- fear of being forgotten, fear of not being loved. She came in that Friday unwilling to sign, yet by the ride home with the translator she said she would go sign the paperwork at the embassy next week. Hard to know what she will do from moment to moment. We are thanking God for her change of heart on Friday and praying that she will indeed do what she has said. We are also praying that the guys at Three Angels Children's Relief will be mindful of the situation and follow up on finding her and getting her in to sign. Please join us in holding these matters up in prayer. We still have hope that God may allow us the privilege of being Spendy's parents. It is good to daily remember that Spendy's fate is not in Lizette's hands; it is in God's, and we continually appeal to Him to have mercy on Spendy.

Sending Help My Way

2008-01-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

This has been a time of struggle for me, for us, on many fronts. Spendy being just one of them. Friday, Jan. 11th, his birth mother is supposed to come to the orphanage for a meeting. Will this mean she will decide to sign the paper work at DHS? We do not know. It seems there is not much I know right now, except today and the truth of who God is. That needs to be enough, just like it needed to be enough for Abraham and Sarah and David, and the people who are all over the pages of Scripture. My friend, Bonnie called last night (she has adopted a daughter from Romania), and she said we had been on her heart. She prayed over the phone, while I cried, and let her words soak in. She prayed that God would open or close the door of our adoption of Spendy through his birth mother. She reminded me that God knows what is best, that He is good. My other friend Kim sent Scriptures that described how Ted and I have been feeling....an accident? I think not. I have asked each morning this week for the Lord to send His help my way, and He has. Kim was His instrument last night, as was Bonnie. I am learning to endure, to be patient, to have self-control, to trust, and it is hard, but good.

Kim's verses:

"Their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits' end.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and He delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and He brought them to their desired haven."
Psalm 107:26b-30

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

"But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the LORD GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
Psalm 73:28

Forget Not All His Benefits

2008-01-05T10:29:00.000-08:00

Cameron and Shanley left for Haiti this morning. I wandered downstairs this morning feeling lonesome for my two oldest and wishing I too was heading to Haiti to see Spendy. As I went to make a pot of coffee, I found a note from Shan written with a Sharpie on a paper towel. It said:

Mom-
His mercies are new every morning. But it seems like this one especially-"Spend, here we come!"
Tonight, when you're eating dinner, I'll be feeding picky-boy. :)
Praying for you as you are for me and so thankful for you!
See you in 8 days-
-Pook

They will be down there until next Sat., Jan. 12th. On the 12th, Shanley will be flying back to NY to live at home and go to Broome Community College for the Spring semester. Cameron will be heading back to The Masters College in California to finish out his Junior year. They are both such a blessing to Ted and me. It was hard for us to say good-bye to Cameron, knowing we have to wait until May to see his scruffy face again, but we are so thankful that today he will meet Spendy and the other kids at the Three Angels Orphanage.

We all had a great Christmas vacation. We slept in, watched movies, had intense conversations over dinner or morning coffee, laughed hard, cried, encouraged one another, annoyed one another, cheered Ryan on at his basketball games, watched the boys have snow ball fights and wrestle, ate lots of good food, read, studied, and last night celebrated my 45th birthday together.

This week I have been meditating on Psalm 103:1-4, "Bless the LORD, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies."

December Haiti Trip

2008-01-01T16:43:00.000-08:00

Leading Me to the ROCK that is higher than I

2007-12-27T16:39:00.000-08:00

The morning after we returned from Haiti I woke up in an upstairs bedroom at the Downey's in Orlando. At first I thought I was still in Haiti and instinctively rolled over to look at the mat on the floor beside my bunk where Spendy would've been. Sorrow swept over me and tears filled my eyes as I realized I didn't have Spendy beside me. I prayed for God to comfort me and Spendy. The verse that came to my mind was, "Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." Truly God has done just that over the the last days. He has led me to Himself.

Comfort has come as I have cried out as a child to my Father. It has come in the form of Scripture, like the one above, from music- Fernando Ortega singing, "Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in thee; Let the water and the blood, From Thy riven side which flowed, Be of sin the double cure, Cleanse me from its guilt and power," and also, "More love to Thee, O Christ, More love to Thee! Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee...", for the great temptation in the midst of adversity is to doubt God's goodness, so I need constant reminding of who He is and what He has done. It also has come from having Cameron and Shanley, in addition to Ryan and Alec, gathered with Ted and me around our table, a special thing any more. It has especially come from a chapter in Jerry Bridges' book, Trusting God, which Ted quietly handed me quotes and Scriptures from on Christmas morning...things he had written to help himself think rightly. I have been feasting on them over the last few mornings.

I infact have gone back and am slowly reading the entire chapter which is called, "Growing Through Adversity." In the beginning of the chapter Bridges writes about the Cecropia moth emerging from its cocoon. He explains that it is an event that occurs with much struggle on the part of the moth. The struggle is essential to developing the muscle system of the moth's body and pushing the body fluids into the wings to expand them. If someone were to try to make it easier on the moth by helping it out of the cocoon, he would infact damage the moth, for the struggle is essential for the moth to be able to develop. Bridges says, "The adversities of life are much like the cocoon of the Cecropia moth. God uses them to develop the spiritual 'muscle system' of our lives." The Christian life, Bridges reminds us, is to be one of continuous growth. We want to grow but we resist the process. "This is because we focus on the events of adversity themselves, rather than looking with the eye of faith beyond the events to what God is doing in our lives."

Horatius Bonar writes, "God knows exactly what He is doing....He knows exactly what we need and how to supply it...His training is no random work. It is carried on with exquisite skill." Jerry Bridges continues, "Every adversity that comes across our path, whether large or small, is intended to help us grow in some way. If it were not beneficial, God would not allow it or send it, 'For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men' (Lamentations 3:33). God does not delight in our sufferings. He only brings what is necessary, but He does not shrink from that which will help us grow."

God doesn't ask us how we want to grow or when we want to grow. He is the Master Gardener pruning the branches. "The healthy vine requires both nourishment and pruning. Through the Word of God we are nourished (Psalm 1:2-3), but through adversity we are pruned" (Bridges). God is at work in us through this present adversity. He is humbling me, reminding me of my desperate need for Him in every area of my life, causing me to see I even need to cry out to Him for more love for Him. He is making me hunger and thirst for His Word, for it is a sure comfort. It indeed nourishes me as I am being pruned. I am seeing that I dare not trust in my own understanding, but must acknowledge Him in all my ways, for He will make my paths straight (Prov. 3:5-6). I continue to cry out with the Psalmist, "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the ends of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I" (Psalm 61:1-2), and God indeed has been faithful to lead me to Himself, the ROCK that is higher than I.

Our Labor is Not in Vain

2007-12-19T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today is Thursday. It has been exactly a week since we met Spendy's birth mom. I know I have needed to write to update this blog, to let people know what's going on, but it has been hard to sit and write clearly. So, here it all is to the best of my ability. Read it and pray. Pray for Spendy's well being, pray that he will be raised in a family where he will be taught the truth of who God is...that is more important than anything else. What good is a full stomach when eternal death looms over you? Pray that he will come to know and receive the bread of life. Pray for Lizette, his birth mother, to believe the Gospel, to know it is the hope for all men. Pray that God would give us all peace in the midst of this trial, and that He would move hearts according to His plan. I cannot help but pray for God to place Spendy in our home, but at the same time I am aware that I pray to the One who sees the big picture. I trust in His goodness and in His perfect plan. We live in a world ravaged by sin. Lizette, Spendy, and now us, are living with the consequences of sinful choices...our own and those we are victims of. The whole orphanage is a result of that. Parents dropping kids off to live in an orphanage, children outside of a family, scarred bodies and souls...all of it is sin's consequences. It is brutally painful, yet we wade in. We wade in with light and hope, not our own, but Christ's, and as we go through this time of trouble, He carries us, giving us strength and comfort and hope. Read on for details of our week last week, and then we ask you again to pray.

When we saw Gretchen (President of Three Angels Children's Relief)at the airport in Miami, in route to Haiti, she told us that they were having a hard time locating Spendy's mom for the DHS appointment. (It is easiest when everyone goes to the appointment at the same time- adoptive parents, birth parents and child, but not necessary) So, we prayed that they would find her; word on the street was she had moved and not said where she was going. Thursday morning we arrived to find she was there at the orphanage, and I thought, "Thank you Lord." Then Gretchen came out and hurriedly told us that Spendy's mom wasn't wanting to go through with the adoption, that we needed to go in and reassure her, she was afraid of never seeing her son again. I thought, "Lord, you brought her, and you knew this was going to happen. This is all still under your control." I didn't feel panicked, but I was aware, as I often am these days, that though we think something is going to look like X, it often looks like Y. I am no longer as surprised by this fact. I also thought, "Lord, you are in the middle of this."

We walked into the office at Three Angels and my heart was beating hard inside me. How thankful I am that Ted was with me. I hugged Lizette (Spendy's mom) and put Spendy in her lap. We all looked at each other, introductions were made, some questions were asked, then in time she shared that Spendy had an older brother by a different father and she didn't know where that son was. The father had taken the child when she had not known and put him in an unknown orphanage. She was afraid of Spendy leaving Haiti, of never seeing him again. Ted told her of our desire to bring Spendy back to Haiti to see his country, of our desire for him to know and understand his Haitian heritage, that though he would be a citizen of the US, he would still be Haitian. He shared that we wanted Spendy to maintain his ability to speak his native language, that our hope was that someday God would possibly use him to bring the light of Jesus Christ to his people in Haiti, that we wanted him to know who his birth mother was. We told her that we would send pictures, that we could remain in touch through Three Angels. Unbeknown to us, Lizette had told Gretchen earlier that Spendy needed to be the one who would make the choice. Gretchen had been silently praying that Spendy would do just that. Spendy slid off Lizette's lap where he had been warily sitting and stretched his arms up to me. I pulled him into my lap where he sat clutching his sippy cup with his Thomas the Tank Engine sunglasses perched on his head. Lizette tried to hold him again, and he turned away holding tightly to me, crying, not wanting her to touch him. She agreed then to sign the papers.

We headed upstairs to Angela's room to go over papers that we would need to turn in at the appointment. As we were going through the papers there was a knock on the door. We were told that Lizette was in the office again with Jean Nathan; she had changed her mind again. So, together we prayed upstairs, asking God to protect Spendy, asking God to move hearts, asking God to lead Lizette to think of Spendy first. As I prayed, I thought about how God began all of this. I wasn't looking for another son. He moved our hearts. How huge is that- He moved both our hearts, mine and Ted's, in tandem. He took our daughter to Haiti, drew her to Spendy and Spendy opened up to her, feeling safe for the first time in who knows how long. God has blessed the steps. He has provided all that we have needed to do this. Ted went downstairs after a bit to pray with Lizette, to reason with her. She was not open.

As we headed out to our appointment, Gretchen told Lizette that we were going on to the DHS appointment without her. We left for the appointment with prayerful hearts, aware as never before of God's absolute hand in all of this. He was working out His plan and we were a part of it, regardless of the outcome. We asked questions and found out from Jean Nathan that Lizette absolutely knew that Three Angels is an orphanage that adopts children out (there are many other orphanages that do not do this, though not probably as nice as Three Angels). She was told her son would be adopted. He also told us that he sent her away three times to think about it, and each time she had begged him to take Spendy. The fourth time he said yes and let her bring Spendy to the orphanage.

I know from stories that I have heard that Spendy came in bleeding from a deep cut on his head. I looked down at his scarred legs. The Dr. that we saw in Oct. says the scars are from cigarette burns. I do not think Lizette did them, but the evidence clearly points to her being at best negligent with Spendy. My other thought is, how can she not know who his father is? Were there so many men? What is her profession? Is she trying to hide something? What other "surprises" might there be? I ache at the thought of him returning to possibly be mistreated, to being hungry. Yet, I too have had children. I know what it is to carry a child in my womb, to nurse him or her at my breast. I understand she must feel guilt and confusion and so many emotions. I struggle with her flipping back and forth in her decision making, begging to leave Spendy, then changing her mind. Ted reminds me that that is how it is when you are dealing with a double minded person, they are driven and tossed in their doubt like the waves of the sea (James 1:6,7).

We went forward to our appointments, doing all that we went to Haiti to do, and God blessed all of them. Nothing was cancelled; nothing was found to be out of order. As far as Lizette goes, she must go into DHS and sign the papers by Jan.14th. Things cannot move forward until she does because she must consent (which is only right). In time if she does not sign the papers Spendy will have to leave the orphanage, for she cannot just have him sit in the orphanage to be fed and cared for but not adopted. It seems she wants to have him cared for and to be able to see him when it is convenient for her. Hard for my mind to fathom, but then I have never known what it is to be hungry, to possibly need to remove my child from a dangerous situation. I do not know Lizette's heart, but God does, and I can pray to Him on Spendy's behalf, our behalf, and on Lizette's behalf.

Spendy's present is still under the tree, his stocking will hang with the rest, his pictures are all around the house, and our tears flow often and freely as we ask for God's help. We do not doubt God's goodness or His perfect plan, nor do we doubt that we reflect His heart when we cry for the plight of Spendy and other orphans, for there are many. Haiti is filled with orphanages. We groan waiting for the day when we will no longer live under the effects of sin, when we will not see a mother leave her children, when we will not see a child go hungry or be harmed, when things will be made right again. For such a day is coming, and we live differently because of it.

I think 1 Corinthians 15:51-58 sums it all up....what our hope is in, why we trust, and why we do what we do in the waiting. "Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'Death is swallowed up in victory.' 'O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

Heading to Haiti

2007-12-09T19:01:00.000-08:00

In my last blog I talked about the fact that our I-171h had come from Homeland Security, which meant we could go to Haiti for our December appointment. The only catch was we had to find cheap tickets. God, as He has done all along with this adoption, clearly revealed Himself again as the One who has put it all together and who is providing all that is needed. I prayed and began looking for plane tickets, and found them for unheard of cheap prices. Consequently, I am currently sitting beside my sweet husband on a plane. We will spend tonight and tomorrow night with Ted’s sister Becky and her husband Mike and their youngest daughter, Elia, in Orlando, FL. Then on Tuesday we will head for Haiti and Spendy. I cannot wait to fix my eyes on him again and to hold him. I also cannot wait to see him with Ted. I have not let myself dwell too much on Spendy because it is too hard, but today I am letting go. My mind is full of thoughts of the first time I met him and other things about him like how he wraps his little legs tightly around me when I carry him, the way he looks when he sleeps, or how his brown face looks with sweat beaded on his upper lip, or the way he reaches his arms up to be held. I also love to think about how his voice sounds when he says, “Mama.” Oh, how good it will be to be with this fifth child of ours.

Though he is not yet in our home, his presence in our family is felt. Pictures are up on the bulletin board above my desk and his framed photograph sits perched with the other kid’s phots on the piano. Alec and I went Christmas shopping on Friday, while Ryan was at basketball practice, and picked out a needle point stocking that is like the other kid’s stockings. It will hang with the rest this Christmas, for this is not like a child that I carry in my womb. This child is here, waiting, growing older daily.

This year we have a gorgeous tree and as I turned the lights off this morning, readying the house for our departure, I looked down at the present wrapped under the tree…a book for Spendy because Knox children get a book each Christmas. It says, ”To Jamison Spencer, Love Mommy and Daddy.” It is currently the only present under the tree. It is a foreshadowing of things to come, reminding me of the reality of this child. He is not a figment of my imagination, this Haitian son of mine, he is real, and in two days I will be tightly holding him. I cannot wait!

Our hope is that this will be our last Christmas where we have to go to Haiti to be with Spendy. I find myself thinking as we move through this holiday season “next year Spendy will be with us when we do_____________.” Lord willing He will be with us. For now, we prepare our hearts, excitedly anticipating the changes he will bring to our family, and we pray that the Lord is preparing his heart as well.

It Came!

2007-11-16T19:50:00.000-08:00

Our I-171h came yesterday in the mail! I yelled "Yeah!" when I saw the envelope from Homeland Security. Five documents are in transit to the Haitian consulate in NY city. Once they are legalized and returned to us (should happen by early next week), we will have everything we need to go to Haiti! Thank you for your prayers.

One other thing...we have a name for Spendy! It is Jamison Spencer Knox...sounds good, doesn't it? We will call him Spendy for a nick name and evolve into Jamison along with Spendy.

Checking Things Off the List

2007-11-03T05:36:00.000-07:00

We have a checklist of all the things adoptive parents need to do to have a completed dossier to take to Haiti. It is a fairly extensive list...two and a half pages worth of list. Next to each item is a place to check off when that step or process has been completed. This week was a week of doing a lot of check offs...Praise God! Yesterday Alec and I picked up our completed notarized home study (it took 2 months to complete) and then zipped it over to the county recorder to have it authenticated, then headed over to FedEx to send it to Albany to be authenticated at the state level. The day before, Thursday, I scanned fourteen documents to send via email to be translated into French. They are now in the hands of the translator who should have everything completed, including the translation of the home study, by the 6th of November. I can then send the translated documents that I need to send to the Haitian consulate in Chicago to, Lord willing, be legalized by them.

Yesterday when I picked up the home study, my heart was so full of gratefulness to the Lord for this completed step. I have been working on it steadily, along with other things, since the end of August. The study, as I read it, reflected God's faithfulness to Ted and me....on its pages were the record of our parents who have kept the marriage covenant they made, of sorrows that had been weathered by our families by God's strength, statements by our children that were full of sincerity and a desire to bring Spendy into our family, and a description of Ted and me- a description that, though the social worker has only known us for a couple of months, conveyed a picture of us over time that was accurate, a picture that caused my heart to well up with an acknowledgement of God's providential care and goodness to us, a sinful couple who have endeavored very imperfectly to follow Him. It was good to pause and thank God in the midst of all the doing and remember that this is a seed He has planted. This adoption is His idea. We are simply privileged to be the tool in His hand.

I would like to ask you to continue to pray for us in this process, thanking God along with us for His care and provision and sanctifying work in our lives and asking for His help. Besides the dossier, we also need an approved I-171h to come in the mail from Homeland Security before we can go to our DHS meeting in Haiti. This is a paper that declares that we have been approved to adopt using the pilot program "Orphan First." It is something we must have in hand before we go to our meeting. In my previous post I mentioned that Homeland Security is very behind.... the I-171h is something we need to receive from them. Please join us in praying that God would grant the workers speed in processing the orphan petitions, so we could get our I-171h soon! Gretchen (the Three Angel's parent liason) has made an appointment for us with DHS on Dec. 13th at 11 am. She is holding off canceling it in the hope that Homeland security might get things finished faster than they have predicted. Our social worker, who works closely with the woman in Albany who processes the orphan petitions, also thinks there is a chance that we might receive our I-171h in time for the December Haiti trip. We have not purchased plane tickets, and I had truly let go of going in December, but I have been given a little ray of hope that we might still be able to go next month. So, if the Lord allows the paperwork to process quickly, we will also need to find an affordable flight to Haiti. It would be wonderful to keep the meeting, to take Spendy his Christmas presents, for Ted to meet him, and most of all just to hold him in our arms. My arms daily ache for him. It is a difficult enough thing to be waiting for a child you are adopting. It is an added difficulty and joy when you have met that child. Pray that I would trust God's perfect timing and not forget that I can ask of Him, even when things look bleak. In other words, that I would remember that He is bigger than the circumstances. "The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will" (Prov. 21:1).

A long week and it's only Tuesday

2007-10-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

It feels like it's been a long week, and it is only Tuesday! Ted and I just returned from being in Albany all day. Today was the day for us to go to the Homeland Security office and be finger printed for the adoption. Since we were going to be in Albany already (a two hour drive from our home), I also took several documents that had to be authenticated at the state level with us, and Ted dropped me off on State St. where I ran in and did that. An authentication is something I had previously never heard of. For those of you who, like me, have never heard of such a thing, an authentication is a paper that says that the notary who notarized the document is indeed a licensed notary in the State of NY (in our case). For some states (NY being one) the documents must be authenticated at the county level before they can be authenticated at the state level, so yesterday I headed out in the morning for the hour and a half drive to Delhi to do that. As I wound my way past the farms and homes, taking in the last of the fall leaf show, I prayed confessing my fears, my self focus, and my wrong thinking, asking God for provision for all the different details in the adoption and in other areas of life, specifically thanking Him for what He's teaching me in the hard things, even though I don't feel very thankful. Lately it seems like there is a lot of hard....good friends moving away, my nephew and his family as he continues to battle with leukemia, our friends, the Bricks, whose daughter Mandy is trying to emerge from a coma as they spend day and night beside her, another friend who just found out he has cancer, others in our life who are making poor choices, sinful choices, that cause suffering for themselves and the others who are in their lives, and the thought of an orphanage full of kids in Haiti waiting to go home to be with their forever families, yet sometimes being sent back with the very families who gave them up to the orphanage, for reasons that don't make sense to our minds. It just seems like the evidence of the Fall is all around me. I had to get a hold of my thinking yesterday and remind myself of who God is and that He is not for a minute out of control, and He lets the trials sit on us for exactly the right time, not too long and not too short. I also had to remind myself that it isn't about my ideas of comfort or how things should go. God is God, and it is His glory and our ultimate transformation to be conformed to the image of His son that He's concerned with; therefore, He is willing to allow all kinds of things in our lives to bring about repentance and to bring glory to Himself. I find as we are studying Philippians that I am not at all like Paul (or Christ). I still tend to be more focused on my idea of how things should be and I hold very tightly to those things, but God, in His eternal goodness and mercy, brings things that pry my fingers loose. Sometimes it is little things that reveal my wanting to be in control, like finding out I cannot go see Spendy in December. Today I had a little melt down when I found out, at the Homeland Security office, that they are 6-8 weeks behind schedule in processing their adoption stuff. The NY office's turn around time is normally one week. Our home study will arrive there early next week to wait in the stack with all the others to be processed. I have been planning on going to Haiti in December for the last couple months and have been working like a mad woman to have everything ready in time. This morning I realized how I am really not in control at all. As the tears fell down below my sun glasses, my sweet husband reminded me of God's sovereignty. I am so glad he was with me today. Let me end by saying a few things off the top of my head that God showed me today. 1.) Ted was with me to comfort me and remind me of the truth. 2.)I had a day alone with him, which is all too rare, and we had time to talk about all kinds of things. 3.)I had not yet purchased my plane tickets. 4.)This might allow us to be able to be going down with Lori Mills (a friend from church who may also be adopting, who is not excited about traveling alone to Haiti.) 4.)Gretchen does not think we will lose much time because in December people go home and paperwork ends up sitting on people's desks anyway, so even if we'd gone done to Haiti, it probably wouldn't have made things go any faster. 5.)I was reminded again of who my attention needs to be fixed upon.

Pictures of Spendy from Haiti- October 2007

2007-10-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

Me and Spendy

Looking out on Port au Prince from the balconey at St. Joseph's

Spendy and me

Shanley and Spendy

Mama and Spendy

A tired Spendy napping in his bed at the orphanage

Journal excerpt from week in Haiti

2007-10-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on October 5th when I was in Haiti.

The time here goes slower- the day seems to last longer, and when I look at my watch, I am often surprised that it is only 10 AM or only 3 PM, when it feels later. At the same time, it is already Sunday, and on Tuesday I have to leave my little boy and this world here. It is a world you either like or don't. There is steady noise here- people outside talking, a guitar playing and someone singing, bottles being sorted outside, and of course the intermitant crowing of a rooster. Whenever I hear a rooster, I will forever think of Haiti. A child is crying in the next room. There are many here who are in different stages of adoption, some coming close to the end and others, like myself, painfully aware that we are at the beginning of a long process.

Spendy is napping here beside me- sweat beaded up on his upper lip. He is beautiful. He is daily changing since I've been here. He started out guarded, hardly willing to leave my lap or Shanley's lap; now he will play nearby. He is nothing like two year olds I am used to. He guards his books we've given him, never putting them down at the orphanage. He will sit on one of our laps, content, never saying a word, only watching. Today he started talking to me. Of course it is in Creole...a sweet little voice. His eyes are huge, and he is very intelligent- figuring out how things work, carefully building. I think he may be particular, liking things just so. He eats everything- ate up all of his breakfast here at St. Joseph's, ate a bowl of mush at the orphanage, ate cheetos and salami and bread with goat cheese for lunch....eats salad, avocado, meat, rice, beans- there is nothing he won't eat. I am sure it is the difference of never having choices or the opportunity to eat at any time other than the appointed time.

I am sure it will be hard for him when we leave- all this attention will cease. Will he realize we will be back, since Shanley came back after this summer? Will it take him a while to warm back up to us? Will it be less traumatic for him than I imagine, simply because this is what he sees- parents coming and going? I do not know. I know I will miss him, my little Haitian son.

I am a blogger now

2007-10-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

The main reason for this blog is Spendy. As most of you know, he is a two year old orphan who lives in Haiti that we are adopting. We began this whole process when Shanley came back from spending a month at the orphanage in Port au Prince that is part of Three Angels Childrens Relief. She fell in love with many of the children, but Spendy tugged at her heart in a special way. Through her emails Ted and I went, in a sense, to Haiti . They caused us to make a connection with the children there. I found myself praying for "forever families" for the children who did not yet have them. As Shanley told us more about Spendy, how reserved he was, how he clung to her, how he began to open up after being given attention, we found ourselves hurting for this little one. I would pray, "Lord, I pray that you would move the hearts of the parents that you have determined for Spendy." As time went by, I found myself saying, "Lord, are we those parents?" "Compel us, give us a desire, urge us if this is what you have for Spendy and us," I prayed. All of our reasons for not adopting seemed small and wrong when put next to the words that the Holy Spirit inspired James to write: "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained by the world" (James 1:27). So here we are in the process of adopting Spendy and God has made it our fondest desire to do so. This blog will be a place for those of you who want to to keep up on what's going on with Spendy and the rest of us as we travel this adoption road.