The Wilderness

And you shall remember that the LORD your GOD led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.

Deuteronomy 8:2

Pray for Spendy Spend

Here are two pictures of Spendy with Megan. She told us that she prayed for Spendy and us each time she held him.

We just got word from Gretchen that Jean Nathan sees Spendy's mother all the time. Recently when asked how Spendy was she said he was not feeling well. Please pray for Spendy as we do not know what is going on other than that. We are thankful that though we feel helpless, God sees and there is never a moment when Spendy is not in His eye. We thank you ahead for your prayers on this sweet boy's behalf. Oh, how we long to hold him and help him.

Thus says the LORD: "Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD.

Since my last blog Spendy has indeed gone to be with his mother. God continues to give us peace as we remember who He is and that all is in His hands. We believe that God is writing this story and though we do not see the end He does. We know the holder of the pen is trustworthy.

The Holy Spirit continues to minister to us and encourage us to trust God and to endure. Downloading and listening to sermons, continuing to daily read the Bible and pray, along with reading books by Godly men have all been means He has used to speak His truth to us, to remind us of what is real. One of the books I have mentioned several times is called Trusting God (written by Jerry Bridges). If you don't own it, you should! Another book that has blessed me much over the last year is called The Attributes of God; it is by Arthur W. Pink. Pink's book was first brought to my attention at the Faith Biblical Counseling Conference in Indiana in a lecture by Stuart Scott on the goodness of God. He said that when he is counseling someone, he always gives counselees homework from this book. He assigns a chapter a week, telling the counselees to note and write down what they learn about God and how it applies to their current situation. Scott's point in giving the homework is that no matter what the reason is that compelled the person to come to counseling, his or her greatest need is to know God more. In knowing Him they will be encouraged and begin to see themselves and their problems in the light of His reality. Scott is right! As I have read and re-read Pink's book, doing what Scott suggests, I have been given encouragement, as well as hope.



Here are some quotes from the preface to The Attributes of God:


"A spiritual and saving knowledge of God is the greatest need of every human creature."



"The foundation of all true knowledge of God must be a clear mental apprehension of His perfections as revealed in Holy Scripture. An unknown God can neither be trusted, served, nor worshipped. "


"Something more than a theoretical knowledge of God is needed by us. God is only truly known in the soul as we yield ourselves to Him, submit to His authority, and regulate all the details of our lives by His holy precepts and commandments."


How thankful I am for who God is and what it means for us in the midst of all the circumstances of life. He has been our constant Rock, our Strong Tower, our Refuge, our Strength, our Encourager, our Hope, our Point of Reference. He is who has kept us from feeling panicked. We are waiting and watching with anticipation to see what God is doing with Spendy and us. We certainly know that through Spendy God has given us a deep concern for His orphans that we did not have before. He has made it very, very personal.

"What is crooked cannot be made straight."

We received news yesterday that Spendy's mom still wants him back. By this writing, he is probably with his mother. A cloud descended on the house last night after I heard the news. I lost my appetite, and, instead of a family dinner at the table, sat holding Shanley as we cried. Through all the tears I was aware that God has heard every prayer we've prayed. He has indeed answered, yet He has answered differently than we would have chosen. Why I do not know, for unlike Him I do not see the end from the beginning. I am not about what is best in the big scheme of things. I am not as I should be, first and foremost about His glory. I want to be, but in reality I am not.

I relate a lot to the Israelites. Last week as I thought about the situation with Spendy, I pondered on the fact that when Moses went to the Israelites and told them that God had heard their cries for deliverance and was going to take them out of the land of Egypt, they must have been so happy. What good news this must have been to them. They must have been shocked when the first of the plagues started! To my way of thinking if God says He is going to deliver me, I think OK...today, let's go, magic wand, yet that wasn't at all how God did it. He did it in a way that unmistakably showed His hand both to the Israelites and the Egyptions. He displayed His glory against the dark back drop of the plagues and then the impossible situations He put forth. He made sure the Israelites knew He was the One who had delivered them. Perhaps God is doing something similar with Spendy and will deliver him into our family, then again perhaps not. I do not know; I dare not expect that He is doing such a thing, yet I know He certainly could. I have never been so aware of His sovereignty, His absolute control. He has been in all of this, even the twisted, crookedness of it. Ecclesiastes 1:15 says, "What is crooked cannot be made straight."

The crookedness of it all has been, and continues to be, a purifer, revealing the truth of who I am and who God is. Jerry Bridge's book Trusting God has again ministered to me this week. Bridges speaks about how probably "the most valuable way we profit from adversity is in the deepening of our relationship with God. Through adversity we learn to bow before His sovereignty, to trust His wisdom, and to experience the consolations of His love, until we come to the place where we can say with Job, 'My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you' (Job 42:5)"(pg.190). I have found myself in this place, bowing before His sovereignty, trusting His wisdom, and experiencing His consolations. I would never have sought out this trial as a way to lead me closer to God, yet it has been clear through it that God has sought me out.

Waiting

We continue to wait. This week Gretchen will be down at the orphanage and another meeting is slated to happen with Spendy's mom. She must be 100% on board with the adoption or she will be asked to take Spendy. If she takes him, Ted and I feel it is very likely that he will end up back at the orphanage again. Our prayer is that Spendy will not have to leave the O. That said, it all rests in the hands of God who sees the end from the beginning.

Pictures from Spendy's Birthday at the O

Here are some pictures of Spendy opening his presents. We sent a Thomas the Tank Engine back pack down, filled with Birthday goodies, with Shanley and Cameron in January. Sandy (the house mother) kept it tucked away until Spendy's special day. The back pack had a basketball, sunglasses, animal cookies, and a little train in it. The last picture is of Spendy "talking" to us yesterday on SKYPE...isn't the internet amazing!

BON FET SPENDY!

Spendy turned 3 yesterday, February 9th. We were able to talk to him via SKYPE today. He did not say much, but he could see us thanks to the webcam. We showed him Scout (our dog), snow, different rooms in the house, our car (big deal to the kids there), introduced him to Ryan (Alec was at his friend's house), and sang him Happy Birthday. We are thankful that three years ago Spendy was brought into this world and that God knew then that he would intertwine Spendy's life with ours.

"For You formed my inward
parts;
You wove me in my mother's
womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I
am fearfully and wonderfully
made;
Wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from
You,
When I was made in secret,
skillfully wrought in the
depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my
unformed substance;
And in Your book were all
written
The days that were ordained for
me,
When as yet there was not one of
them."
Psalm 139:13-16

We are still daily praying for Spendy, and asking for God's intervention, His mercy. We thank God that so far Spendy is still at the orphanage. His mother has not returned. We are thankful to know we pray to a God who will accomplish His purposes...if Spendy is meant to be a Knox, he will be.

Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.
Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence,
if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-
practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
Philippians 4:4-9

This passage came to mind in the middle of the night last night as I tossed and turned, worrying about Spendy. I was confessing to God my fears for Spendy and feeling the weight, yet again, of my utter helplessness in this situation, and into my mind came, "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING." Spendy definitely falls under "anything". The next thought was: Instead pray....asking, thanking, putting my requests before God. So I fell asleep thanking God for the good He has shown Spendy and reminding myself that God is the one who brought Spendy to the orphanage, made sure he was fed, made sure his wounds were cared for, gave him a bed. Who knows how many arms have held and comforted Spendy as they were moved by the Lord? He caused Shanley to notice Spendy, He moved our hearts to pray and to want to bring him into our family. All of this was His doing. I fell asleep rehearsing God's goodness to Spendy instead of rehearsing my fears. This morning I again put it all in God's hands, not that it hasn't been there all along. I yielded, acknowledging His power to do whatever concerned Spendy, recognizing Spendy is His concern and He can use who He will to do His work in Spendy's life. He doesn't need me. I do not know what is best. I have daily, nightly been making my requests known to God, but last night and this morning I have been thanking Him and fixing my mind on what is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. We often stop there, not thinking of the rest of the paragraph in Phillipians 4, but it is key. Paul tells the Phillipians that peace comes as they practice what they have learned, received, heard, and seen. He says, "Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you" (Phil. 4:9).

So, I am left with plenty of instruction....I need to rejoice, reminding myself of the big picture of who God is and what He has done. ("...How rich is my condition! God and heav'n are still mine own." -Henry F. Lyte) (Phil. 4:4). I am to be reasonable, gentle, still...why? Because "the Lord is at hand" (Phil. 4:5). He hasn't left. He is in the middle of it all with me. I need to pray, but not just any old way. I am to pray thanking God for what He has done and what He is doing. I am not to be anxious but instead to make my requests known before Him. He wants to hear from me (Phil. 4:6). I am to roll over and over in my mind what is good, not rehearse all my fears (Phil. 4:8). And, finally I am to do what I have been taught, following the examples from Scripture and from brothers and sisters that He has used to be a picture of how to walk. In the doing of all of the above comes peace(Phil. 4:9).

"My Purpose will be established"

We received this email from our friend, Julie Olender, earlier this week:

Tina and Ted-
We continue to be updated by your blog – and we continue to pray God’s will for Spendy,
and peace to your family through His written Word.

You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You. (Isaiah 26:3)

These are a few of the passages that encouraged me as we waited those three years to find out if our Jay would stay.
We all kept reminding ourselves that we only wanted God’s will, and if His perfect will meant returning Jay to his birth mother,
then we had to be ready to let go and accept God’s “perfect” plan for him (and our family). Easy to say, painful to live out.

“. . .For I am God and there is no other;
I am God and there is no one like Me.
Declaring the end from the beginning,
And from ancient times things which have not been done,
Saying, ‘My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all My good pleasure’;” (Isaiah 46:9,10)

How marvelous it is that we serve a God that provides us truth to meditate on as a vehicle for peace to our hearts through uncertainty.
It is truly well with our souls when we can face adversity with the attitude James had as he penned those insightful words, “count it all
joy when you fall into various trials. . .” Praise God that “no plan of His can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2)

God’s love and blessings to your family. Standing with you in prayer.
Because He lives - jules


Today I pulled up Julie's email and read it again. I needed to read it again, needed to be reminded to keep my mind stayed on God, needed to remember that God is God and there is no other like Him. His purposes in our life, in Spendy's, in Spendy's mother's life will not be thwarted. He will accomplish all His good pleasure.

I needed the reminder because last night we received hard news. Spendy's mom is again not wanting to sign. So here we are waiting....things could go in several different directions at this point...too many for me to speculate on.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Pictures of your kids!

Cam, Ellen and I took the trek down to Haiti last week. It was Cameron's first time meeting Spendy, and Ellen's first time out of the country. It was my first time playing full time mama since we decided to adopt Spendy. We had quite the week. Spend and I both met our matches, and I think we somehow deserved each other, although I felt a little undeserving of the 2:00am walk we took back to the orphanage two nights in a row because he wouldn't stop screaming unless I stood with him.
All that said, I took hundreds of pictures this week, and I want to send them to all of you momma blancs! If you could please comment on this post with your email and your kid's name, or send it to my email: where.the.sidewalk.ended@gmail.com I would love to send you any photos I have of your children!
-Shanley

She Says She's Signing

On Friday Spendy's mom showed up at the orphanage, standing in the court yard, agitated, wanting to leave pretty much as soon as she got there. Jean Nathan, who was supposed to meet with her, was not there. So, Shanley, Cameron, and Don met with her. They met for around 40 minutes. It was hard for Cameron and Shanley...hard to see Lizette's self-focus. When asked what her hopes for Spendy were, she said that he would love her, remember her.

She hesitates to sign the paperwork for these reasons- fear of being forgotten, fear of not being loved. She came in that Friday unwilling to sign, yet by the ride home with the translator she said she would go sign the paperwork at the embassy next week. Hard to know what she will do from moment to moment. We are thanking God for her change of heart on Friday and praying that she will indeed do what she has said. We are also praying that the guys at Three Angels Children's Relief will be mindful of the situation and follow up on finding her and getting her in to sign. Please join us in holding these matters up in prayer. We still have hope that God may allow us the privilege of being Spendy's parents. It is good to daily remember that Spendy's fate is not in Lizette's hands; it is in God's, and we continually appeal to Him to have mercy on Spendy.

Sending Help My Way

This has been a time of struggle for me, for us, on many fronts. Spendy being just one of them. Friday, Jan. 11th, his birth mother is supposed to come to the orphanage for a meeting. Will this mean she will decide to sign the paper work at DHS? We do not know. It seems there is not much I know right now, except today and the truth of who God is. That needs to be enough, just like it needed to be enough for Abraham and Sarah and David, and the people who are all over the pages of Scripture. My friend, Bonnie called last night (she has adopted a daughter from Romania), and she said we had been on her heart. She prayed over the phone, while I cried, and let her words soak in. She prayed that God would open or close the door of our adoption of Spendy through his birth mother. She reminded me that God knows what is best, that He is good. My other friend Kim sent Scriptures that described how Ted and I have been feeling....an accident? I think not. I have asked each morning this week for the Lord to send His help my way, and He has. Kim was His instrument last night, as was Bonnie. I am learning to endure, to be patient, to have self-control, to trust, and it is hard, but good.

Kim's verses:

"Their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits' end.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and He delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and He brought them to their desired haven."
Psalm 107:26b-30

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

"But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the LORD GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
Psalm 73:28

Forget Not All His Benefits

Cameron and Shanley left for Haiti this morning. I wandered downstairs this morning feeling lonesome for my two oldest and wishing I too was heading to Haiti to see Spendy. As I went to make a pot of coffee, I found a note from Shan written with a Sharpie on a paper towel. It said:

Mom-
His mercies are new every morning. But it seems like this one especially-"Spend, here we come!"
Tonight, when you're eating dinner, I'll be feeding picky-boy. :)
Praying for you as you are for me and so thankful for you!
See you in 8 days-
-Pook

They will be down there until next Sat., Jan. 12th. On the 12th, Shanley will be flying back to NY to live at home and go to Broome Community College for the Spring semester. Cameron will be heading back to The Masters College in California to finish out his Junior year. They are both such a blessing to Ted and me. It was hard for us to say good-bye to Cameron, knowing we have to wait until May to see his scruffy face again, but we are so thankful that today he will meet Spendy and the other kids at the Three Angels Orphanage.

We all had a great Christmas vacation. We slept in, watched movies, had intense conversations over dinner or morning coffee, laughed hard, cried, encouraged one another, annoyed one another, cheered Ryan on at his basketball games, watched the boys have snow ball fights and wrestle, ate lots of good food, read, studied, and last night celebrated my 45th birthday together.

This week I have been meditating on Psalm 103:1-4, "Bless the LORD, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies."

December Haiti Trip