"What is crooked cannot be made straight."

We received news yesterday that Spendy's mom still wants him back. By this writing, he is probably with his mother. A cloud descended on the house last night after I heard the news. I lost my appetite, and, instead of a family dinner at the table, sat holding Shanley as we cried. Through all the tears I was aware that God has heard every prayer we've prayed. He has indeed answered, yet He has answered differently than we would have chosen. Why I do not know, for unlike Him I do not see the end from the beginning. I am not about what is best in the big scheme of things. I am not as I should be, first and foremost about His glory. I want to be, but in reality I am not.

I relate a lot to the Israelites. Last week as I thought about the situation with Spendy, I pondered on the fact that when Moses went to the Israelites and told them that God had heard their cries for deliverance and was going to take them out of the land of Egypt, they must have been so happy. What good news this must have been to them. They must have been shocked when the first of the plagues started! To my way of thinking if God says He is going to deliver me, I think OK...today, let's go, magic wand, yet that wasn't at all how God did it. He did it in a way that unmistakably showed His hand both to the Israelites and the Egyptions. He displayed His glory against the dark back drop of the plagues and then the impossible situations He put forth. He made sure the Israelites knew He was the One who had delivered them. Perhaps God is doing something similar with Spendy and will deliver him into our family, then again perhaps not. I do not know; I dare not expect that He is doing such a thing, yet I know He certainly could. I have never been so aware of His sovereignty, His absolute control. He has been in all of this, even the twisted, crookedness of it. Ecclesiastes 1:15 says, "What is crooked cannot be made straight."

The crookedness of it all has been, and continues to be, a purifer, revealing the truth of who I am and who God is. Jerry Bridge's book Trusting God has again ministered to me this week. Bridges speaks about how probably "the most valuable way we profit from adversity is in the deepening of our relationship with God. Through adversity we learn to bow before His sovereignty, to trust His wisdom, and to experience the consolations of His love, until we come to the place where we can say with Job, 'My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you' (Job 42:5)"(pg.190). I have found myself in this place, bowing before His sovereignty, trusting His wisdom, and experiencing His consolations. I would never have sought out this trial as a way to lead me closer to God, yet it has been clear through it that God has sought me out.

Waiting

We continue to wait. This week Gretchen will be down at the orphanage and another meeting is slated to happen with Spendy's mom. She must be 100% on board with the adoption or she will be asked to take Spendy. If she takes him, Ted and I feel it is very likely that he will end up back at the orphanage again. Our prayer is that Spendy will not have to leave the O. That said, it all rests in the hands of God who sees the end from the beginning.

Pictures from Spendy's Birthday at the O

Here are some pictures of Spendy opening his presents. We sent a Thomas the Tank Engine back pack down, filled with Birthday goodies, with Shanley and Cameron in January. Sandy (the house mother) kept it tucked away until Spendy's special day. The back pack had a basketball, sunglasses, animal cookies, and a little train in it. The last picture is of Spendy "talking" to us yesterday on SKYPE...isn't the internet amazing!

BON FET SPENDY!

Spendy turned 3 yesterday, February 9th. We were able to talk to him via SKYPE today. He did not say much, but he could see us thanks to the webcam. We showed him Scout (our dog), snow, different rooms in the house, our car (big deal to the kids there), introduced him to Ryan (Alec was at his friend's house), and sang him Happy Birthday. We are thankful that three years ago Spendy was brought into this world and that God knew then that he would intertwine Spendy's life with ours.

"For You formed my inward
parts;
You wove me in my mother's
womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I
am fearfully and wonderfully
made;
Wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from
You,
When I was made in secret,
skillfully wrought in the
depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my
unformed substance;
And in Your book were all
written
The days that were ordained for
me,
When as yet there was not one of
them."
Psalm 139:13-16

We are still daily praying for Spendy, and asking for God's intervention, His mercy. We thank God that so far Spendy is still at the orphanage. His mother has not returned. We are thankful to know we pray to a God who will accomplish His purposes...if Spendy is meant to be a Knox, he will be.

Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.
Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence,
if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-
practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
Philippians 4:4-9

This passage came to mind in the middle of the night last night as I tossed and turned, worrying about Spendy. I was confessing to God my fears for Spendy and feeling the weight, yet again, of my utter helplessness in this situation, and into my mind came, "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING." Spendy definitely falls under "anything". The next thought was: Instead pray....asking, thanking, putting my requests before God. So I fell asleep thanking God for the good He has shown Spendy and reminding myself that God is the one who brought Spendy to the orphanage, made sure he was fed, made sure his wounds were cared for, gave him a bed. Who knows how many arms have held and comforted Spendy as they were moved by the Lord? He caused Shanley to notice Spendy, He moved our hearts to pray and to want to bring him into our family. All of this was His doing. I fell asleep rehearsing God's goodness to Spendy instead of rehearsing my fears. This morning I again put it all in God's hands, not that it hasn't been there all along. I yielded, acknowledging His power to do whatever concerned Spendy, recognizing Spendy is His concern and He can use who He will to do His work in Spendy's life. He doesn't need me. I do not know what is best. I have daily, nightly been making my requests known to God, but last night and this morning I have been thanking Him and fixing my mind on what is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. We often stop there, not thinking of the rest of the paragraph in Phillipians 4, but it is key. Paul tells the Phillipians that peace comes as they practice what they have learned, received, heard, and seen. He says, "Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you" (Phil. 4:9).

So, I am left with plenty of instruction....I need to rejoice, reminding myself of the big picture of who God is and what He has done. ("...How rich is my condition! God and heav'n are still mine own." -Henry F. Lyte) (Phil. 4:4). I am to be reasonable, gentle, still...why? Because "the Lord is at hand" (Phil. 4:5). He hasn't left. He is in the middle of it all with me. I need to pray, but not just any old way. I am to pray thanking God for what He has done and what He is doing. I am not to be anxious but instead to make my requests known before Him. He wants to hear from me (Phil. 4:6). I am to roll over and over in my mind what is good, not rehearse all my fears (Phil. 4:8). And, finally I am to do what I have been taught, following the examples from Scripture and from brothers and sisters that He has used to be a picture of how to walk. In the doing of all of the above comes peace(Phil. 4:9).

"My Purpose will be established"

We received this email from our friend, Julie Olender, earlier this week:

Tina and Ted-
We continue to be updated by your blog – and we continue to pray God’s will for Spendy,
and peace to your family through His written Word.

You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You. (Isaiah 26:3)

These are a few of the passages that encouraged me as we waited those three years to find out if our Jay would stay.
We all kept reminding ourselves that we only wanted God’s will, and if His perfect will meant returning Jay to his birth mother,
then we had to be ready to let go and accept God’s “perfect” plan for him (and our family). Easy to say, painful to live out.

“. . .For I am God and there is no other;
I am God and there is no one like Me.
Declaring the end from the beginning,
And from ancient times things which have not been done,
Saying, ‘My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all My good pleasure’;” (Isaiah 46:9,10)

How marvelous it is that we serve a God that provides us truth to meditate on as a vehicle for peace to our hearts through uncertainty.
It is truly well with our souls when we can face adversity with the attitude James had as he penned those insightful words, “count it all
joy when you fall into various trials. . .” Praise God that “no plan of His can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2)

God’s love and blessings to your family. Standing with you in prayer.
Because He lives - jules


Today I pulled up Julie's email and read it again. I needed to read it again, needed to be reminded to keep my mind stayed on God, needed to remember that God is God and there is no other like Him. His purposes in our life, in Spendy's, in Spendy's mother's life will not be thwarted. He will accomplish all His good pleasure.

I needed the reminder because last night we received hard news. Spendy's mom is again not wanting to sign. So here we are waiting....things could go in several different directions at this point...too many for me to speculate on.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Pictures of your kids!

Cam, Ellen and I took the trek down to Haiti last week. It was Cameron's first time meeting Spendy, and Ellen's first time out of the country. It was my first time playing full time mama since we decided to adopt Spendy. We had quite the week. Spend and I both met our matches, and I think we somehow deserved each other, although I felt a little undeserving of the 2:00am walk we took back to the orphanage two nights in a row because he wouldn't stop screaming unless I stood with him.
All that said, I took hundreds of pictures this week, and I want to send them to all of you momma blancs! If you could please comment on this post with your email and your kid's name, or send it to my email: where.the.sidewalk.ended@gmail.com I would love to send you any photos I have of your children!
-Shanley