The morning after we returned from Haiti I woke up in an upstairs bedroom at the Downey's in Orlando. At first I thought I was still in Haiti and instinctively rolled over to look at the mat on the floor beside my bunk where Spendy would've been. Sorrow swept over me and tears filled my eyes as I realized I didn't have Spendy beside me. I prayed for God to comfort me and Spendy. The verse that came to my mind was, "Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." Truly God has done just that over the the last days. He has led me to Himself.
Comfort has come as I have cried out as a child to my Father. It has come in the form of Scripture, like the one above, from music- Fernando Ortega singing, "Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in thee; Let the water and the blood, From Thy riven side which flowed, Be of sin the double cure, Cleanse me from its guilt and power," and also, "More love to Thee, O Christ, More love to Thee! Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee...", for the great temptation in the midst of adversity is to doubt God's goodness, so I need constant reminding of who He is and what He has done. It also has come from having Cameron and Shanley, in addition to Ryan and Alec, gathered with Ted and me around our table, a special thing any more. It has especially come from a chapter in Jerry Bridges' book, Trusting God, which Ted quietly handed me quotes and Scriptures from on Christmas morning...things he had written to help himself think rightly. I have been feasting on them over the last few mornings.
I infact have gone back and am slowly reading the entire chapter which is called, "Growing Through Adversity." In the beginning of the chapter Bridges writes about the Cecropia moth emerging from its cocoon. He explains that it is an event that occurs with much struggle on the part of the moth. The struggle is essential to developing the muscle system of the moth's body and pushing the body fluids into the wings to expand them. If someone were to try to make it easier on the moth by helping it out of the cocoon, he would infact damage the moth, for the struggle is essential for the moth to be able to develop. Bridges says, "The adversities of life are much like the cocoon of the Cecropia moth. God uses them to develop the spiritual 'muscle system' of our lives." The Christian life, Bridges reminds us, is to be one of continuous growth. We want to grow but we resist the process. "This is because we focus on the events of adversity themselves, rather than looking with the eye of faith beyond the events to what God is doing in our lives."
Horatius Bonar writes, "God knows exactly what He is doing....He knows exactly what we need and how to supply it...His training is no random work. It is carried on with exquisite skill." Jerry Bridges continues, "Every adversity that comes across our path, whether large or small, is intended to help us grow in some way. If it were not beneficial, God would not allow it or send it, 'For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men' (Lamentations 3:33). God does not delight in our sufferings. He only brings what is necessary, but He does not shrink from that which will help us grow."
God doesn't ask us how we want to grow or when we want to grow. He is the Master Gardener pruning the branches. "The healthy vine requires both nourishment and pruning. Through the Word of God we are nourished (Psalm 1:2-3), but through adversity we are pruned" (Bridges). God is at work in us through this present adversity. He is humbling me, reminding me of my desperate need for Him in every area of my life, causing me to see I even need to cry out to Him for more love for Him. He is making me hunger and thirst for His Word, for it is a sure comfort. It indeed nourishes me as I am being pruned. I am seeing that I dare not trust in my own understanding, but must acknowledge Him in all my ways, for He will make my paths straight (Prov. 3:5-6). I continue to cry out with the Psalmist, "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the ends of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I" (Psalm 61:1-2), and God indeed has been faithful to lead me to Himself, the ROCK that is higher than I.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Our Labor is Not in Vain
Today is Thursday. It has been exactly a week since we met Spendy's birth mom. I know I have needed to write to update this blog, to let people know what's going on, but it has been hard to sit and write clearly. So, here it all is to the best of my ability. Read it and pray. Pray for Spendy's well being, pray that he will be raised in a family where he will be taught the truth of who God is...that is more important than anything else. What good is a full stomach when eternal death looms over you? Pray that he will come to know and receive the bread of life. Pray for Lizette, his birth mother, to believe the Gospel, to know it is the hope for all men. Pray that God would give us all peace in the midst of this trial, and that He would move hearts according to His plan. I cannot help but pray for God to place Spendy in our home, but at the same time I am aware that I pray to the One who sees the big picture. I trust in His goodness and in His perfect plan. We live in a world ravaged by sin. Lizette, Spendy, and now us, are living with the consequences of sinful choices...our own and those we are victims of. The whole orphanage is a result of that. Parents dropping kids off to live in an orphanage, children outside of a family, scarred bodies and souls...all of it is sin's consequences. It is brutally painful, yet we wade in. We wade in with light and hope, not our own, but Christ's, and as we go through this time of trouble, He carries us, giving us strength and comfort and hope. Read on for details of our week last week, and then we ask you again to pray.
When we saw Gretchen (President of Three Angels Children's Relief)at the airport in Miami, in route to Haiti, she told us that they were having a hard time locating Spendy's mom for the DHS appointment. (It is easiest when everyone goes to the appointment at the same time- adoptive parents, birth parents and child, but not necessary) So, we prayed that they would find her; word on the street was she had moved and not said where she was going. Thursday morning we arrived to find she was there at the orphanage, and I thought, "Thank you Lord." Then Gretchen came out and hurriedly told us that Spendy's mom wasn't wanting to go through with the adoption, that we needed to go in and reassure her, she was afraid of never seeing her son again. I thought, "Lord, you brought her, and you knew this was going to happen. This is all still under your control." I didn't feel panicked, but I was aware, as I often am these days, that though we think something is going to look like X, it often looks like Y. I am no longer as surprised by this fact. I also thought, "Lord, you are in the middle of this."
We walked into the office at Three Angels and my heart was beating hard inside me. How thankful I am that Ted was with me. I hugged Lizette (Spendy's mom) and put Spendy in her lap. We all looked at each other, introductions were made, some questions were asked, then in time she shared that Spendy had an older brother by a different father and she didn't know where that son was. The father had taken the child when she had not known and put him in an unknown orphanage. She was afraid of Spendy leaving Haiti, of never seeing him again. Ted told her of our desire to bring Spendy back to Haiti to see his country, of our desire for him to know and understand his Haitian heritage, that though he would be a citizen of the US, he would still be Haitian. He shared that we wanted Spendy to maintain his ability to speak his native language, that our hope was that someday God would possibly use him to bring the light of Jesus Christ to his people in Haiti, that we wanted him to know who his birth mother was. We told her that we would send pictures, that we could remain in touch through Three Angels. Unbeknown to us, Lizette had told Gretchen earlier that Spendy needed to be the one who would make the choice. Gretchen had been silently praying that Spendy would do just that. Spendy slid off Lizette's lap where he had been warily sitting and stretched his arms up to me. I pulled him into my lap where he sat clutching his sippy cup with his Thomas the Tank Engine sunglasses perched on his head. Lizette tried to hold him again, and he turned away holding tightly to me, crying, not wanting her to touch him. She agreed then to sign the papers.
We headed upstairs to Angela's room to go over papers that we would need to turn in at the appointment. As we were going through the papers there was a knock on the door. We were told that Lizette was in the office again with Jean Nathan; she had changed her mind again. So, together we prayed upstairs, asking God to protect Spendy, asking God to move hearts, asking God to lead Lizette to think of Spendy first. As I prayed, I thought about how God began all of this. I wasn't looking for another son. He moved our hearts. How huge is that- He moved both our hearts, mine and Ted's, in tandem. He took our daughter to Haiti, drew her to Spendy and Spendy opened up to her, feeling safe for the first time in who knows how long. God has blessed the steps. He has provided all that we have needed to do this. Ted went downstairs after a bit to pray with Lizette, to reason with her. She was not open.
As we headed out to our appointment, Gretchen told Lizette that we were going on to the DHS appointment without her. We left for the appointment with prayerful hearts, aware as never before of God's absolute hand in all of this. He was working out His plan and we were a part of it, regardless of the outcome. We asked questions and found out from Jean Nathan that Lizette absolutely knew that Three Angels is an orphanage that adopts children out (there are many other orphanages that do not do this, though not probably as nice as Three Angels). She was told her son would be adopted. He also told us that he sent her away three times to think about it, and each time she had begged him to take Spendy. The fourth time he said yes and let her bring Spendy to the orphanage.
I know from stories that I have heard that Spendy came in bleeding from a deep cut on his head. I looked down at his scarred legs. The Dr. that we saw in Oct. says the scars are from cigarette burns. I do not think Lizette did them, but the evidence clearly points to her being at best negligent with Spendy. My other thought is, how can she not know who his father is? Were there so many men? What is her profession? Is she trying to hide something? What other "surprises" might there be? I ache at the thought of him returning to possibly be mistreated, to being hungry. Yet, I too have had children. I know what it is to carry a child in my womb, to nurse him or her at my breast. I understand she must feel guilt and confusion and so many emotions. I struggle with her flipping back and forth in her decision making, begging to leave Spendy, then changing her mind. Ted reminds me that that is how it is when you are dealing with a double minded person, they are driven and tossed in their doubt like the waves of the sea (James 1:6,7).
We went forward to our appointments, doing all that we went to Haiti to do, and God blessed all of them. Nothing was cancelled; nothing was found to be out of order. As far as Lizette goes, she must go into DHS and sign the papers by Jan.14th. Things cannot move forward until she does because she must consent (which is only right). In time if she does not sign the papers Spendy will have to leave the orphanage, for she cannot just have him sit in the orphanage to be fed and cared for but not adopted. It seems she wants to have him cared for and to be able to see him when it is convenient for her. Hard for my mind to fathom, but then I have never known what it is to be hungry, to possibly need to remove my child from a dangerous situation. I do not know Lizette's heart, but God does, and I can pray to Him on Spendy's behalf, our behalf, and on Lizette's behalf.
Spendy's present is still under the tree, his stocking will hang with the rest, his pictures are all around the house, and our tears flow often and freely as we ask for God's help. We do not doubt God's goodness or His perfect plan, nor do we doubt that we reflect His heart when we cry for the plight of Spendy and other orphans, for there are many. Haiti is filled with orphanages. We groan waiting for the day when we will no longer live under the effects of sin, when we will not see a mother leave her children, when we will not see a child go hungry or be harmed, when things will be made right again. For such a day is coming, and we live differently because of it.
I think 1 Corinthians 15:51-58 sums it all up....what our hope is in, why we trust, and why we do what we do in the waiting. "Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'Death is swallowed up in victory.' 'O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."
When we saw Gretchen (President of Three Angels Children's Relief)at the airport in Miami, in route to Haiti, she told us that they were having a hard time locating Spendy's mom for the DHS appointment. (It is easiest when everyone goes to the appointment at the same time- adoptive parents, birth parents and child, but not necessary) So, we prayed that they would find her; word on the street was she had moved and not said where she was going. Thursday morning we arrived to find she was there at the orphanage, and I thought, "Thank you Lord." Then Gretchen came out and hurriedly told us that Spendy's mom wasn't wanting to go through with the adoption, that we needed to go in and reassure her, she was afraid of never seeing her son again. I thought, "Lord, you brought her, and you knew this was going to happen. This is all still under your control." I didn't feel panicked, but I was aware, as I often am these days, that though we think something is going to look like X, it often looks like Y. I am no longer as surprised by this fact. I also thought, "Lord, you are in the middle of this."
We walked into the office at Three Angels and my heart was beating hard inside me. How thankful I am that Ted was with me. I hugged Lizette (Spendy's mom) and put Spendy in her lap. We all looked at each other, introductions were made, some questions were asked, then in time she shared that Spendy had an older brother by a different father and she didn't know where that son was. The father had taken the child when she had not known and put him in an unknown orphanage. She was afraid of Spendy leaving Haiti, of never seeing him again. Ted told her of our desire to bring Spendy back to Haiti to see his country, of our desire for him to know and understand his Haitian heritage, that though he would be a citizen of the US, he would still be Haitian. He shared that we wanted Spendy to maintain his ability to speak his native language, that our hope was that someday God would possibly use him to bring the light of Jesus Christ to his people in Haiti, that we wanted him to know who his birth mother was. We told her that we would send pictures, that we could remain in touch through Three Angels. Unbeknown to us, Lizette had told Gretchen earlier that Spendy needed to be the one who would make the choice. Gretchen had been silently praying that Spendy would do just that. Spendy slid off Lizette's lap where he had been warily sitting and stretched his arms up to me. I pulled him into my lap where he sat clutching his sippy cup with his Thomas the Tank Engine sunglasses perched on his head. Lizette tried to hold him again, and he turned away holding tightly to me, crying, not wanting her to touch him. She agreed then to sign the papers.
We headed upstairs to Angela's room to go over papers that we would need to turn in at the appointment. As we were going through the papers there was a knock on the door. We were told that Lizette was in the office again with Jean Nathan; she had changed her mind again. So, together we prayed upstairs, asking God to protect Spendy, asking God to move hearts, asking God to lead Lizette to think of Spendy first. As I prayed, I thought about how God began all of this. I wasn't looking for another son. He moved our hearts. How huge is that- He moved both our hearts, mine and Ted's, in tandem. He took our daughter to Haiti, drew her to Spendy and Spendy opened up to her, feeling safe for the first time in who knows how long. God has blessed the steps. He has provided all that we have needed to do this. Ted went downstairs after a bit to pray with Lizette, to reason with her. She was not open.
As we headed out to our appointment, Gretchen told Lizette that we were going on to the DHS appointment without her. We left for the appointment with prayerful hearts, aware as never before of God's absolute hand in all of this. He was working out His plan and we were a part of it, regardless of the outcome. We asked questions and found out from Jean Nathan that Lizette absolutely knew that Three Angels is an orphanage that adopts children out (there are many other orphanages that do not do this, though not probably as nice as Three Angels). She was told her son would be adopted. He also told us that he sent her away three times to think about it, and each time she had begged him to take Spendy. The fourth time he said yes and let her bring Spendy to the orphanage.
I know from stories that I have heard that Spendy came in bleeding from a deep cut on his head. I looked down at his scarred legs. The Dr. that we saw in Oct. says the scars are from cigarette burns. I do not think Lizette did them, but the evidence clearly points to her being at best negligent with Spendy. My other thought is, how can she not know who his father is? Were there so many men? What is her profession? Is she trying to hide something? What other "surprises" might there be? I ache at the thought of him returning to possibly be mistreated, to being hungry. Yet, I too have had children. I know what it is to carry a child in my womb, to nurse him or her at my breast. I understand she must feel guilt and confusion and so many emotions. I struggle with her flipping back and forth in her decision making, begging to leave Spendy, then changing her mind. Ted reminds me that that is how it is when you are dealing with a double minded person, they are driven and tossed in their doubt like the waves of the sea (James 1:6,7).
We went forward to our appointments, doing all that we went to Haiti to do, and God blessed all of them. Nothing was cancelled; nothing was found to be out of order. As far as Lizette goes, she must go into DHS and sign the papers by Jan.14th. Things cannot move forward until she does because she must consent (which is only right). In time if she does not sign the papers Spendy will have to leave the orphanage, for she cannot just have him sit in the orphanage to be fed and cared for but not adopted. It seems she wants to have him cared for and to be able to see him when it is convenient for her. Hard for my mind to fathom, but then I have never known what it is to be hungry, to possibly need to remove my child from a dangerous situation. I do not know Lizette's heart, but God does, and I can pray to Him on Spendy's behalf, our behalf, and on Lizette's behalf.
Spendy's present is still under the tree, his stocking will hang with the rest, his pictures are all around the house, and our tears flow often and freely as we ask for God's help. We do not doubt God's goodness or His perfect plan, nor do we doubt that we reflect His heart when we cry for the plight of Spendy and other orphans, for there are many. Haiti is filled with orphanages. We groan waiting for the day when we will no longer live under the effects of sin, when we will not see a mother leave her children, when we will not see a child go hungry or be harmed, when things will be made right again. For such a day is coming, and we live differently because of it.
I think 1 Corinthians 15:51-58 sums it all up....what our hope is in, why we trust, and why we do what we do in the waiting. "Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'Death is swallowed up in victory.' 'O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Heading to Haiti
In my last blog I talked about the fact that our I-171h had come from Homeland Security, which meant we could go to Haiti for our December appointment. The only catch was we had to find cheap tickets. God, as He has done all along with this adoption, clearly revealed Himself again as the One who has put it all together and who is providing all that is needed. I prayed and began looking for plane tickets, and found them for unheard of cheap prices. Consequently, I am currently sitting beside my sweet husband on a plane. We will spend tonight and tomorrow night with Ted’s sister Becky and her husband Mike and their youngest daughter, Elia, in Orlando, FL. Then on Tuesday we will head for Haiti and Spendy. I cannot wait to fix my eyes on him again and to hold him. I also cannot wait to see him with Ted. I have not let myself dwell too much on Spendy because it is too hard, but today I am letting go. My mind is full of thoughts of the first time I met him and other things about him like how he wraps his little legs tightly around me when I carry him, the way he looks when he sleeps, or how his brown face looks with sweat beaded on his upper lip, or the way he reaches his arms up to be held. I also love to think about how his voice sounds when he says, “Mama.” Oh, how good it will be to be with this fifth child of ours.
Though he is not yet in our home, his presence in our family is felt. Pictures are up on the bulletin board above my desk and his framed photograph sits perched with the other kid’s phots on the piano. Alec and I went Christmas shopping on Friday, while Ryan was at basketball practice, and picked out a needle point stocking that is like the other kid’s stockings. It will hang with the rest this Christmas, for this is not like a child that I carry in my womb. This child is here, waiting, growing older daily.
This year we have a gorgeous tree and as I turned the lights off this morning, readying the house for our departure, I looked down at the present wrapped under the tree…a book for Spendy because Knox children get a book each Christmas. It says, ”To Jamison Spencer, Love Mommy and Daddy.” It is currently the only present under the tree. It is a foreshadowing of things to come, reminding me of the reality of this child. He is not a figment of my imagination, this Haitian son of mine, he is real, and in two days I will be tightly holding him. I cannot wait!
Our hope is that this will be our last Christmas where we have to go to Haiti to be with Spendy. I find myself thinking as we move through this holiday season “next year Spendy will be with us when we do_____________.” Lord willing He will be with us. For now, we prepare our hearts, excitedly anticipating the changes he will bring to our family, and we pray that the Lord is preparing his heart as well.
Though he is not yet in our home, his presence in our family is felt. Pictures are up on the bulletin board above my desk and his framed photograph sits perched with the other kid’s phots on the piano. Alec and I went Christmas shopping on Friday, while Ryan was at basketball practice, and picked out a needle point stocking that is like the other kid’s stockings. It will hang with the rest this Christmas, for this is not like a child that I carry in my womb. This child is here, waiting, growing older daily.
This year we have a gorgeous tree and as I turned the lights off this morning, readying the house for our departure, I looked down at the present wrapped under the tree…a book for Spendy because Knox children get a book each Christmas. It says, ”To Jamison Spencer, Love Mommy and Daddy.” It is currently the only present under the tree. It is a foreshadowing of things to come, reminding me of the reality of this child. He is not a figment of my imagination, this Haitian son of mine, he is real, and in two days I will be tightly holding him. I cannot wait!
Our hope is that this will be our last Christmas where we have to go to Haiti to be with Spendy. I find myself thinking as we move through this holiday season “next year Spendy will be with us when we do_____________.” Lord willing He will be with us. For now, we prepare our hearts, excitedly anticipating the changes he will bring to our family, and we pray that the Lord is preparing his heart as well.
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